BREAKDOWN 2009
. .. GOODBYES & big dreams
There are times when i just seriously want TO CRY, I seldom cry. like, rarely. I dont know whats wrong with my anatomy, well maybe iw as not born to cry. Some people think its better to be STRONG and not have to be oh-so emotional, but its hard to try and convey your emotions- -- well, not knowing what to even do. :(( atleast, some can cry and just wake up the next day. BUT I DONT. I want to cry, Because I have to let go of things that I held on for so long and i am deathly afraid for things to come. I have to let go of the 'ME' who is carefree and a 'sick addicted kid', i can no longer be carefree, I have to get out and experience LIFE as we know it. Im deathly aafraid not only of change but for reaching for my dreams. I want to do EVERYTHING, I wanna be the person i dreamed to be and not the one you all perceive me to be. I want to cry cause i realized that I love people who dont give shit. That I obsess over things that are lifeless and dont even care about me :|.
I wanna be alot of things,
im afraid cause 2010 will be a crossroad, that these remaining months are all I have then I have to take it to the next stage. Im actually psyched, but I have nothing. x.x x.x
I have 0% accomplished tasks for myself. im fuckin 19 years old and i suddenly want to start. I wanna START and be someone.
List them down?
-GRADUATE this march 2009
-pass the board exams
- write a book. (the plot is in my head since i was nine. TT_____________TT )
-publish my verses and poems
- learn to play guitar and piano
-write lyrics
-work abroad (im sorry, this is my priority. I just have to get away and GO. )
-work for a record company to write lyrics and make demos, YES. I WANNA BE RYAN TEDDER minus ONE REPUBLIC XDD
-work work work
-then, MEET HIM at 3am in a deserted park while im busy listening to Jeff Buckley and about to burst into tears. <33
LONG TERM MUCH? I dont give a damn. this short list will HAPPEN. I wanna make it happen. I dont know why im suddenly feelin glike the end will end tomorrow. HAHAHHAHAH; Isnt it what Bill kaulitz said? LIVE EVERY SECOND. I suddenly realized that ive been wasting too much time. :(( I need to be a BETTER friend, need to stay awake more (im moving bedtime to a solid 12am or 1am from my usual 11am), be a better sister and daughter, I WILL BE a better student (imma quit cursing my professors. x.x). XDD
THEN. One more. LOVE. A few days ago, me and my friends finally decided to do an open forum. our 'group' doesnt really talk about it, when we are together, we are all about or goddamn important education and LAUGHTER. we love to joke around, then we decided to talk. so, i came to a realization. I DONT HAVE ANYONE. I LOVE NO ONE. LOVE DOES NOT EXIST FOR ME. Well, it does for famlily and friends but , you know, the 'special one' kind of thing. The kind that you wanna wake up even if you had 3 hours sleep, cause you'll see him. or the, you make me smile even if the world ends type. ZILCH. NOTHING. so, am i the 'herbovore' type of person that koreans label??? people whoa re more occupied with hobbies and career rather than love. 3 of my bestfriends already have children, SHIT. I feel lie im 27, theya re asking me to be the godmother and stuff. SEE? WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL WITH LOVE ANYWAY? If it does not HURT ME and will not SWEEP ME OFF MY FUCKING FEET, then no thanks. Maybe, i wont have 20 love stories to share. i wont have boxes of love letters and dried roses to remember by, JUST. I JUST HOPE/WISH/PRAY or whatever works that 'THE ONE' will be something ripped off a very well written fairytale. I still believe in fairytales, YES I DO. I mean, out of all the people in the world, why do you suddenly find someone that just zones out all the others? isnt that MAGIC? OUT OF ALL the people that you meet and all things that make you happy, why is it he can just say HI and tell you that he's not angry at you- -- then you suddenly see rainbows. THAT IS MAGIC. I can plan all i want, but LOVE. I dont have fuckin control over that.
STARTING TODAY,
I will not STOP. I will work till i get exhausted or shit.
I will make that list come true.
I WILL. I PROMISE MYSELF.
Finally,
TO YOU, Thank you for making me realize that I should stop licking my wounds and placing band-aids. Thta i should just wear my scars proudly and hold my head high. That I should quit being in the same place and move on with my life. That this COMFORT ZONE is not for me and i should be a BETTER ME. Lets do this together, you- who dont even know that i exist. I know you exist, YOU gave me reason to exist anyway. I hope i dont meet you. I really hope our paths wont cross. Thankyou.